my journey

this was originally post by me elsewhere on March 31, 2008

I am sitting here reflecting on the changes that have happened over the course of the last month. This time a month ago I just wanted to play around and see what was out there. Parts of that search lead me to a few groups. I always knew I had a submissive streak within me, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of life and poor choices I was never able to submit to anyone; instead I had to be the leader and compass for those around me. And while my friendships have always flourished, my intimate life was a disaster. Not truly understanding my submissive side, I always chose dominate men to date. Unfortunately, these were not the dominate men who would help you grow and develop; but ones who would squash and stifle any growth. Being bright, friendly, and intensely inquisitive, my characteristics though the same ones that would attract these men; where the same characteristics that they would want to stifle and obliterate. Often, this became violent and dangerous; luckily for me, I have a strong heart and mind, and never stayed within those abusive constraints.

Then I found these groups, and saw the posts written that complemented what I thought of submission. I didn’t feel like an oddity anymore. Someone understood how I felt; and although I was still very intimidated by it all, I decided to reach out to one whom I agreed with. I know what I daydreamed about (sort of), but I really just wanted to be able to talk with someone who understood my point of view. A friend to ease the isolation I had felt for so long.

To my relief and excitement, he responded to my email…and my life changed dramatically in ways I could not have foreseen. The first communications were in exercise in mental overload. Nothing direct…just question after question….most of which…I had no idea about. But rather than make me feel like I was hopelessly naïve, I felt positive about things. Things progressed with the next phone call in which, I completely opened up to the fact that I was in fact and truly a submissive. The next few days again were exercises in mental work in which I would feel exhausted and wonderful at the same time. And I found myself, instead of keeping some of my life my own as I had intended, giving that control to him…not just a little but all. Completely, and I was exhilarated by it.

The feelings have only increased as things have progressed. And I turn to my master, often. We talk everyday, it’s a compulsion…I have to talk with him. To feel his presence, and the joy that it brings me to be in it. At times this feeling is overwhelming and a bit frightening, but there is always risk in everything and the more you need or want something the more risk it seems to involve. Some things must be done on faith. The steps must be taken, because to spend all of your time wondering would be unbearable.

I have taken those steps. I have faith. And my life will never be the same. My life is now his. I am his. It has brought a peace and happiness to my life that I cannot express in words. As his, I am complete, whole. I desire nothing more and to please him and have him pleased with me

Most journeys start with a single step, mine started with a leap. A leap of faith,, a risk, a chance but it was something that i instantly knew within the core of my being was the right thing for me.  Since that moment i have been learning to let go, not only of control of my life but of my fears and anxieties as well.  Slowly i have let go of always worrying if i was doing the right thing and that the simplest of mistakes may lead to my release.  i have learned to trust that my Master will be there always.

Solid, Strong, Secure, He is the foundation which i need.  He provides the stability i need to explore not only my dreams but things which i had never even thought about.  He has given me purpose and direction.  He has given me a peace within my soul that seed of light, the hope in the darkness that i can go to in times of distress.  The strength to stand up when i must and let go when it truly doesn’t matter (although, this is a lesson in progress).  He has given me the strength to be strong enough not to run and hide from problems but to learn how to keep that inner peace when it is challenged.  HE has given me the confidence that i no longer have to be looking for the next threat or problem, because when you are always looking for adversity, you are sure to find it.  But by looking at the good things that abound, most of the negative things simple fade away as they were never important enough to be noticed.  By focusing on the good things i have found that little blessings fill my life, and the very huge blessing that is my Master for whom i will always be eternally grateful.  Thank You my wonderful Master, i am always in awe that i am owned by You.

Having been in a long distance M/s relationship, my chances to truly serve have been few.  Obeying the rules that He provided has been all that i have been able to do for the most part.  As a slave who needs to serve, this has been difficult in respect to my feelings of being of value; although, i wasn’t able to identify that underlining issue until now.

The other day i was given a task.  Something to do that had value to my Master, and thus by completing it, i had value as well.  Accomplishing the task brought a great sense of worth.  Finally the chance to do something and show what i could do when given a task was a wonderful feeling.  It was rewarding to finally be able to contribute and be of service to my Master.  There is an elation that i cannot describe.

So if Y/you are a long distance apart, finding away that you can contribute, or finding a task which Your slave can accomplish, is very important as a slave needs to serve, even at a distance.