This has been a difficult week for me. It’s difficult dealing with the loss of a friend, and when it’s a friend that you consider a sister…and not just in the sense of the lifestyle but a true heart sister, it’s just that much harder. My Master has been wonderful and supportive of me in this time; however, i miss having someone to talk too. Someone that i can let my hair down with so to speak. Just to be the unfiltered me.
I just miss her. I feel as though I failed her in so many ways that i can’t even begin to count all of them. I can’t help but think that if i had been a better friend she would not have run away from us, but too us. However, i pushed to hard one too many times and she ran for good. It wasn’t that we weren’t thinking of what was best for her, but that we didn’t give her the space to realize it herself. Actually, i think she was realizing it, and didn’t know how to deal with it. So many things had changed in her life that she wasn’t prepared to deal with the mixing of emotions that interacting with us caused. So her fight of flight response went into effect and she flew.
It’s all just silly really. Everything is, the twists and turns of life that just seem to pop up in everyone’s life. Things we, for some odd reason, think are so important; when in actuality, they don’t mean shit. The need to defend or be defended, from what? to who? and for God’s sake why? Does it matter should it matter? I guess it all depends on the situation, but i’m tired.
I have one sister left and I hope that one day we can rebuild the friendship we once had. She is the only family besides Master that I have now, and even if the situation were different we would still need to fix our issues for the betterment of our Master’s life. **I think His supply of Ibuprofen maybe running low.** It would be nice to once again talk with someone where with whom I can just be me. The lack of being able to do that has made the loss of my friend so much more cutting than it may have been otherwise. I hope that one day I can have a friendship as strong with my remaining sister.
Many times friends just don’t understand the lifestyle. This isn’t uncommon as there are many who will not or just plain won’t understand what the lifestyle is about. Now, i have/had a friend who didn’t like the lifestyle in the least, but in time came to understand some of the basic components and reality of the lifestyle. Now, as with all things in my life, things got complicated from there. My friends started out hating my Master, with no justification or real reason other than the fact that she disapproved of the lifestyle, and as she got to know my Master and how our relationship worked she grew to like and now even love my Master. Told you it got complicated!!
It started with her just popping into the chatroom that we frequented and she would, well, not be rude, but she wasn’t exactly nice either. She would say something that would make Master mad. Most of the time she didn’t mean to push that hard and she worried about her actions coming back on me as i was her friend. Thankfully, my Master is wonderful and continued to allow me to have contact with her as she was my best friend. So at first she would make him mad and then she would apologize. This happened over and over, almost more times than i could count. And then of course there were those times in the begining when i would make a mistake, and goodness, she would run to my Master and tell him how horrible she thought that it was…thank goodness i am a quick learner or this could have gotten very bad.
But slowly, actually most noticed almost right away, an attraction grew between my Master and my friend. Good news for me, as that’s the best of both worlds as far as i’m concerned. But there were still things that my friend rebelled against, and some of that had to do with the lifestyle in and of it’s self. My Master is a poly so adding her to the relationship is not an issue on our end; however, my friend is much younger than i am or he is, and she still has dreams of the picket fence and such. Now, there are still aspects of that life that she could have and be happily furfilled with, but i think she was too scared to really ask the questions that were going around in her head. Mostly, i think she just didn’t want to admit that she had fallen for my Master.
Well, rather than let this turn into a book, i shall endevour to write more on this tomorrow.
The Master/slave bond is a strong one, maybe even more so than any other relationship. The amount of commitment and dedication is immense. However, for those new to the lifestyle it can also be overwhelming at times. For those going from a situation where no one ever cared or looked after the slave to going to an environment where one is cared for brings up feelings that some have never been exposed to. As well as bringing great joy, it can also bring great fear, as many times this maybe the slave’s first exposure to a truly good life and the fear of it all going away can be very powerful. We all know how strong an emotion fear is, fear can not only motivate us to something better, it can make us run, or it can freeze us. And on occasion can make us do all three.
Even a confident slave can fall prey to this affliction. And I think that it may even be more difficult in those cases, having always been in control of their emotions, the sudden lack of control can easily throw the slave for a loop.
Now don’t get me wrong the sex part of the M/s relationship is wonderful inventive and imaginative; however, that is only a small part of it in relation to everything else. The need for a slave to serve goes much further and deeper than just the sexual aspects. A slave needs to serve and contribute in all areas in making her Master’s life more pleasant. It is a compulsion and deep seeded need that must be met. A slave with nothing to do will soon find herself feeling as though she is nothing and such a mindset will slowly eat away at the slave’s psyche. This erodes the slave sense of self worth and value as well. A slave derives their self worth from how she serves her Master, so you can easily see that a slave who is not serving can quickly become nervous and unsure.
There are lots of small ways in which a slave can continually serve her Master, no matter where or how far apart the Master and slave are. Small tasks that can be completed over the internet are great. Whether it is some research that One needs done or just some small task, giving a slave a meaningful job to do is one of the most powerful and helpful things that a Master can do. Slave’s need direction no matter the distance involved. Without this direction it is easy for a slave to founder.
i have no idea what is up with me. Usually, i am pretty much in control of myself and am able to handle the things that life throws my way; however, this past week, i’m a wreck. i am having enough emotional roller coaster rides that you would think that i was living in Disneyland. The funny part is that i tell someone else that she doesn’t know how to deal with emotions, when in truth, she’s not the only one. And i don’t even know why i’m so messed up lately. i can’t even decide which is easier talking or hiding. Actually, hiding is easier, but at the same time, i know that i need to talk.
i really have no idea what to do or what’s really going on. i have a huge gapping hole in the heart of me and it is just full of emptiness. I have never felt that before, and i mean never. And that’s a hard one, i don’t know what to do with it or how to fix it so i can function. It is effecting everything that i say or do. But i don’t get it, i know my place and i know where i belong. These are things that i know without question, so why am i hurting so much? It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Thank God, today has been quiet and peaceful. i don’t think i could have handled another upheaval. Actually, i know that i couldn’t. Some peace and quiet was just what i needed and thankfully just what i got. This last week has been one that i don’t want to repeat. i have been busy today promoting Master’s book and web site. It is going very well, and i am so proud of Him. i know that things are going to go very well. Now, if things can stay quiet all will be good.
So many things are running through my head and i can’t seem to sort them all out. i wish i knew what to do and how to change things but i have no clue. i’m scared. i can admit that, it’s nothing new for me to be scared and worried. i have a hundred and one things going on and nothings seems to be falling into place like it should. i have tried to hide but have stayed in the open for other people. But i can’t be open anymore, it’s too much for me to handle. So i am going to hide as best as i am able and as much as i am allowed to. Maybe it will be enough to get me through. i have no way to protect myself, and i don’t understand what’s going on.
i am suppose to be safe now, but i don’t feel safe. i feel very alone and very scared. i haven’t feel this alone in a long time. It is something that i had forgotten. When you have been alone for a long time you get used to it, it’s nothing more that just a state of being, but then something happens and you aren’t alone anymore. You are filled with life and there is no way to describe it unless you have been truly alone, stand with no one beside you. And then to go from that back to having nothing, you forget the pain of loneliness. How it cuts through your heart and feeds your doubts and fears. How little it takes to feed these attributes. It takes so very little to make the panic come and consume your heart. if only i had an answer for the pain, but i don’t. i only hope and pray that this is a storm that i can whether until i am safe again. Please God let that happen soon. i feel truly lost and adrift in a sea that i no longer recognize.
Everyday is always a chance to learn new lessons and today is no different. Because of pettiness and fear there are lessons to be learned today. i understand the need for me to learn the lesson, i must learn to detach from the words and actions of others. i have to stop taking things to heart so much. this has been a problem for me for a very long time and it’s time to get past it. Not every action has an answer and not every statement must be replied to, this is a lesson too. it’s easy to say just let it go, but it’s a hard thing to do when emotions are involved. However, i must remember that my focus is upon my Master and no one else. i too must not let anger and fear rule my actions. these things can easily take over one’s life and ruin all the good things about it.
So i hope to take this lesson and learn from it quickly, as i think that it is a lesson that both sister’s are being taught at the moment. And it’s time to reflect on my own actions and take responsiblity for how i react to things.
i am so happy today! i am a very dear friend who has been fighting her attaction to Master for a long time. The attraction has only been obvious to any and all who see them interact with each other, and i have spent a lot of time patching their quarrels. But finally she admitted to Him that she has fallen for Him. Although circumstances may prevent her from coming to us, this is a huge step towards making that happen. i miss my friend dearly and although, i admit to being jealous of the time they spent together in the begining, i am more than happy for her to spend all the time she needs if it means that she will be coming home. As i said this is just the begining and we may still have a very long road to go before she can come here, it is a start and the first true ray of hope that she will come back that i have had.
Her smile and quick wit are sorely missed and hell, even her temper tantrums are missed. She as a light hearted manner most of the time and even her outbursts are things which she will laugh at herself later about. i have watched her grow the last few months into an amazing woman.
i really hope that this is the begining of bringing her home. This is where she belongs and she knows it, it’s getting her to take the steps that’s the difficult part. Miss you bunches and it’s time to come HOME!!!
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