So many things are running through my head and i can’t seem to sort them all out.  i wish i knew what to do and how to change things but i have no clue.  i’m scared. i can admit that, it’s nothing new for me to be scared and worried.  i have a hundred and one things going on and nothings seems to be falling into place like it should.  i have tried to hide but have stayed in the open for other people.  But i can’t be open anymore, it’s too much for me to handle.  So i am going to hide as best as i am able and as much as i am allowed to.  Maybe it will be enough to get me through.  i have no way to protect myself, and i don’t understand what’s going on.

i am suppose to be safe now, but i don’t feel safe.  i feel very alone and very scared.  i haven’t feel this alone in a long time.  It is something that i had forgotten.  When you have been alone for a long time you get used to it, it’s nothing more that just a state of being, but then something happens and you aren’t alone anymore.  You are filled with life and there is no way to describe it unless you have been truly alone, stand with no one beside you.  And then to go from that back to having nothing, you forget the pain of loneliness.  How it cuts through your heart and feeds your doubts and fears.  How little it takes to feed these attributes.  It takes so very little to make the panic come and consume your heart.  if only i had an answer for the pain, but i don’t.  i only hope and pray that this is a storm that i can whether until i am safe again.  Please God let that happen soon.  i feel truly lost and adrift in a sea that i no longer recognize.