Okay so I have to admit that I am not one that enjoys paddling. I know that it goes with the territory of being a slave and that it’s part on my life now, but it still terrifies me. I have spent the last few weeks trying to think about it in a different way, in a more sexual way, and thought that I had made enough progress in my head to handle it.
I was wrong. What’s worse is that so far Master has only been playing and not doing anything serious, just a swat or two and that’s all. Now, I will say that about the only thing enjoyable about the whole thing is the mischievous glint in Master’s eye. I just wish I could get that look without a smack on the ass about to happen. I know that it’s going to happen I am just having a difficult time with finding a way that I can accept it. Well, I shouldn’t say accept it because I do accept it; I just don’t like it. It brings up WAY too many memories from my past, and even though I have tried to separate the past from the present sometimes that’s just not possible. I can do well for a bit; but when it’s time to sleep memories surface and torment me.
Now, nightmares and anxiety is nothing new for me; as a matter of fact, I have a “good” night’s sleep about twice a week. And that’s a good week; I think good needs to be better defined…lol. Anyway, I haven’t slept very well in a couple of days, and I don’t know exactly how to proceed with getting my head in the best place. Although a part of me would just like to run and hide from the spanking, pain thing, there is the larger part that wants desperately to please my Master, and I know the the pain spanking thing in a significant part of that. But I wonder if I can ever get my head to not go to the past when it happens and handling it from there. And once that train of thought enters my head then on top of old memories, I get anxiety attacks over the present.
Now, logically, I know that **okay probably shouldn’t say know, but fairly confident** that I wouldn’t be released because I just couldn’t handle it, but the illogical part of me runs that through my head over and over. Don’t you just hate it when your mind goes over and over things like that? It’s just not right.
So anyway, for today, I’m trying to breathe, and remember that it’s a process and we are only at the beginning. And boy, do I have a long way to go.
