my journey

Yeah, i got to play space cadet today.  lol, i went to the Kennedy Space Center, not sub space..although that would have been grand too.  i remember growing up as a child wanting to be an astronaut and telling everyone that would listen that i was already well ahead of the game, cause everyone said i was a space case. Okay, i realize that sounds corny now, but as a joke from a six year old it was pretty funny.

i remember the day that Challenger blew up, and i remember the day that Columbia disappeared. Both had a strong impact on me and i know that i will remember the day of the final shuttle mission.

It was wonderful to watch my children look at everything with awe and wonder.  Watching the world expand before their eyes was one of those experiences that i will keep with in my heart for a long time.  mmmm, my oldest now cant decide if he wants to be a fighter fighter or an astronaut.  Both are noble professions and i know he would be great at either.  Thank goodness he likes school and is good at math.

it was a good outing for us and i enjoyed myself immensely, although i’m very tired now.

Everything this is so messed up right now i can even begin to deal with it all.  Between my housing situation, kids, the ex, and the fact that my personal relationship exploded…and dealing with friendly explosions too, i have no idea what in the world i’m doing anymore.

i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, but i dont know what the right thing is anymore.  Somehow it’s all very confusing.

Part of me wants to run very very far and the other wants nothing more than to run to my Master and be wrapped in His arms until everything is okay again.

But i dont know where to run or what to do.  i have so many telling me too many different things.

i’m terrified i admit it.  Everything is scaring the daylights out of me, which i know is not logical but at this point there isnt much that is being logical at the moment.  i have to go to a doctor appointment this afternoon and i’m scared to leave the house…what in the world is up with that???

well, i dont have the luxury of being that scared.  i have to take care of me and mine.  Now, just how to do that i dont know.

i came a across this photo and it SO reminds me of my little imp.  At 5, he can wrap just about anyone around his little fingers.  He is the most troublesome and yet sweetest boys you will ever meet and is entirely to bright for my own good.

But there is nothing like being awoken at 5am with the little imp crawling into my bed and giving me a huge hug all the while asking if i’m awake yet.  Then once it’s been established that yes indeed i am awake.  “mommy i love you….can i have a cereal bar?”  The little imp LIVES on cereal bars.  i think he could go through an entire box a day.

So as you can see, that picture is pretty much the essence of my little monster child, whom i love dearly.

Today was blessedly filled with other people’s stuff today.  A phone call and i was off running around doing and helping a friend with the things she needed to get done, and in turn she was helping me by keeping me busy and distracted from things that i just didnt want to deal with yet.  We went and even had time for a nice lunch.  *i think i’m still stuffed, so much for my fast but hey it was Chinese and she paid.*

Downside to having a full afternoon; i didnt get a darn thing done with the living room and it’s still tore all up. i’ll have to work on it tonight or well tomorrow.  i’m really tired today, which is sort of odd as i actually slept last night.  So i’m probably going to call it an early night and just try to relax and not think.

Thinking…that’s something i’ve been doing WAY to much of.  And i dont like the thoughts that i’ve been having.  i’m conflicted and not sure what is the right thing to do.  To continue down the path that i’ve taken, or to turn around and go back to what was.  i wish i could look into a crystal ball and know which way to go, but alas, i cant.  i can only hope, pray and trust that i’m doing the right thing.

Sleep is a good thing.  i actually slept last night.  No dreams, no nightmares, no anxiety…just slept.  i think i was exhausted, yesterday was an emotional day all the way around.  Not only did things in my own world explode, but i had someone else bring their explosion to me as well.  Needless to say, i was overwhelmed and taxed beyond what i could even begin to think to handle.

Knowing i was beyond being able to handle the explosion that was not my own, i called my friend and told her to get her explosion.  Even though it was difficult for my friend to do as i asked, as she has no car and had a meeting she was required to attend…she found a way.  Bless her, instead of being upset with me and my inability to handle the situation, and how difficult it was for her, she was understanding and supportive.  Actually asking me how she could help me.

i was shocked.  i was feeling guilty for yelling at my friend.  *And i was yelling at her…although telling her that majority of my yelling wasn’t stemming from what was going on with her.* i knew i put her in a difficult position with her having to try and find a ride over to my house and collect her little explosion.  But she wasn’t upset…she was understanding and she took care of it.  It’s something that i wont forget anytime soon either.

So what’s on tap for today?  Well, i started rearranging my living room last night. Wow, it’s amazing how much of a mess one can make while rearranging things.  i think i’ll like the new set up, but first i need to finish everything.  Most of the living room is still a disaster.  So that’s the plan for the day…finish the living room. After the living room, well, i should tackle the kitchen at some point, but that may be a task for tomorrow.

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

you never know what the day holds.  i’m sitting here reflecting on the happenings of the day and wow, it’s amazing how quickly life changes. i am uncertain what the future holds for me now, and i’m not sure where i want it to go either.  Rash decisions…but there were and are mine.  i wish they were ones that i had to make, but i think they were unavoidable.

i have no idea what direction to take my life in and i need to figure that out and soon.  i dont know what to hold on to…or what to let go.  and i dont know what i can hold on to and still keep balance and sanity in my life.

it’s all so messed up and i’m so very very tired.

Okay i didnt sleep last night at all; i just couldnt get my mind to turn off no matter what.  Sometimes my thoughts arent the best and i know everything i was thinking is not things that i should be, but alas i was.  Doubts circling around my head on whether this is a road i still want to travel down.  Dont get me wrong this can be a wonderful life, and i have a wonderful Master, but i’m not sure it’s right for me.  There are other things and people involved in this dynamic that make it impossible to breathe and i’m slowly suffocating.

i spent a long time in darkness…i’ve finally gotten my feet under me and i’ll be DAMNED if i’m going to get knocked off them again.  i’ve taken stock of what’s what…and the things that i think are truly important to me and mine.

i think everyone has run into one of those.  They say they are your friend but only when it suits them.  So flock around people when they are hurting, lost or distressed, but when things are starting to be better and the clouds lift…suddenly, they become snarky and nasty.  It’s almost as though they feel threatened by your happiness.  It must be the misery loves company thing as they seek out those they can bitch and be miserable with but as soon as one stops bitching and starts living…the tables are turned.  Instead of being happy for the person that has worked out whatever they were going through…the become bitter, rude, and just unpleasant.

It could be that they are frustrated in their own inability to be truly happy.  Although many will say that they are happy; their actions and attitude speak differently.

So try and steal my sunshine if you must…you just may catch me on a cloudy day….but i’m hoping to keep those days few and FAR between.

WOW, it’s been a rough year, but finally i’m starting to feel more like myself again.  i think i’ve had one of the most emotionally unstable periods of my life this last year *my poor Master*.  Thinking back i think it started with the loss of one of my friends although i didn’t really realize it until recently that that was the trigger.  She was like a sister to me…one of those sisters that you actually want to spend time with…not the one that drives you totally batty and you try to see only at family functions, like my flesh and blood sister that i haven’t even spoken to in 3 years, and it’s a good thing.  She was the friend i hung out with; she spent more time at my house than her own.  i miss her presence in my life even now.  i miss the popcorn fights her, my kids and i would get into watching some kids movie for the millionth time *Wizard of Oz (haven’t watched it since she’s been gone)*.  She was always there a presence in my life someone to do things with and share all that life was throwing at me.  Someone i could help and be there for as well.  i could just be me around, no judgements, no worrying about every word said or action done.  Her death struck a heavy blow in my life and it’s a lost that i will feel forever. Sadly, i tried to fill that void with my Master…wanting Him to take the place of my friend; although i didnt realize that’s what i was doing at the time.  But well, Master and my friend are about as different as night and day.  Don’t really see my Master getting into a popcorn fight…no matter how fun they maybe.  The thought of Him watching the Wizard of Oz is absolutely hilarious.  He is reserved and quite the opposite of my free spirited friend.

Then add a HUGE move of 2,500 miles and a major case of homesickness to the mix and you have one very unstable little slave.  i’ve probably always suffered from a mild form of depression for most of my life, but i’ve been too busy with work and life to ever really deal with it…i’ve just kept going.  Well, this last year, i’ve been a stay at home mommy.  Suddenly with too much thinking time and not having ’something’ to do the world started to close in on me.  Add other stresses of life and i have been spinning for the last year…all the way to a complete emotional breakdown.  my poor Master bless Him for His patience and understanding with me has been there through all my ups and downs and has never given up on me.

A few weeks ago, i went to the doctor about my anxiety.  At some point you just realize that it’s not something that you can pull yourself out of without some help.  i’ve been on the medication now for about 3weeks and shesh, do i want to kick myself for not getting on something sooner.  i’m starting to feel like myself again, balanced, stable and things aren’t so dire.  i’m back to being able to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ and it’s all small stuff.  i can handle all the affairs that i have to handle without it being an overwhelming obstacle.  People and things that were so big and were causing such havoc to my emotions and life now, well, are back in the perspective that they should have always stayed in.

i feel…liberated, and i’m sure that Master is enjoying the more calm and stable slave.  Everything is in it’s rightful place, including His slave.

There is something to be said about taking personal responsibility for ones actions.  Maybe it’s the times we live in or the society that is being promoted…that it’s always someone else’s fault.  i’m unhappy because of the actions of **insert name here**.  i am the way that i am because of *my parents…my boyfriend…my ex…my boss*.  Excuse after excuse is used to justify bad behavior.  Anything and anyone is to blame for their problems…it’s not their fault.  What’s worse is when people make excuses for them as well.  All that does is let that person know that it’s okay to always blame someone else for their situation, when the truth is…we are all individually responsible for the place we are in our lives.  Take some responsibility for your actions…and with that comes accountability.

If there is not personal responsibility then one doesn’t accept that they are accountable for their actions.  And the endless victim mindset and cycle begins.  How to you change behavior if someone isn’t taking responsibility for their actions.  How do you hold them accountable in a meaningful way.  How do you stop the “it’s so and so’s fault” syndrome.

i try my best to teach my children that they are responsible for their actions…NO matter what the underlying reason for the action.  Two wrongs DON’T make a right.