WOW, it’s been a rough year, but finally i’m starting to feel more like myself again. i think i’ve had one of the most emotionally unstable periods of my life this last year *my poor Master*. Thinking back i think it started with the loss of one of my friends although i didn’t really realize it until recently that that was the trigger. She was like a sister to me…one of those sisters that you actually want to spend time with…not the one that drives you totally batty and you try to see only at family functions, like my flesh and blood sister that i haven’t even spoken to in 3 years, and it’s a good thing. She was the friend i hung out with; she spent more time at my house than her own. i miss her presence in my life even now. i miss the popcorn fights her, my kids and i would get into watching some kids movie for the millionth time *Wizard of Oz (haven’t watched it since she’s been gone)*. She was always there a presence in my life someone to do things with and share all that life was throwing at me. Someone i could help and be there for as well. i could just be me around, no judgements, no worrying about every word said or action done. Her death struck a heavy blow in my life and it’s a lost that i will feel forever. Sadly, i tried to fill that void with my Master…wanting Him to take the place of my friend; although i didnt realize that’s what i was doing at the time. But well, Master and my friend are about as different as night and day. Don’t really see my Master getting into a popcorn fight…no matter how fun they maybe. The thought of Him watching the Wizard of Oz is absolutely hilarious. He is reserved and quite the opposite of my free spirited friend.
Then add a HUGE move of 2,500 miles and a major case of homesickness to the mix and you have one very unstable little slave. i’ve probably always suffered from a mild form of depression for most of my life, but i’ve been too busy with work and life to ever really deal with it…i’ve just kept going. Well, this last year, i’ve been a stay at home mommy. Suddenly with too much thinking time and not having ’something’ to do the world started to close in on me. Add other stresses of life and i have been spinning for the last year…all the way to a complete emotional breakdown. my poor Master bless Him for His patience and understanding with me has been there through all my ups and downs and has never given up on me.
A few weeks ago, i went to the doctor about my anxiety. At some point you just realize that it’s not something that you can pull yourself out of without some help. i’ve been on the medication now for about 3weeks and shesh, do i want to kick myself for not getting on something sooner. i’m starting to feel like myself again, balanced, stable and things aren’t so dire. i’m back to being able to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ and it’s all small stuff. i can handle all the affairs that i have to handle without it being an overwhelming obstacle. People and things that were so big and were causing such havoc to my emotions and life now, well, are back in the perspective that they should have always stayed in.
i feel…liberated, and i’m sure that Master is enjoying the more calm and stable slave. Everything is in it’s rightful place, including His slave.
