my journey

Sleep is a Good Thing

aislinnmarie — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 17:53:07 +0000

Sleep is a good thing. For those that know me, they know that i don’t sleep well. Usually it’s only a few hours a night and most of that is spent tossing and turning. i’ve started taking meds for my anxiety and that’s helped somewhat over the last month or so, but i was still having trouble falling asleep so on my last doctor visit the doctor prescribed some sleeping meds.

Needless to say, i’ve had two nights in a row of blessed sleep. i can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to wake up rested…actually rested. So often i wake more tired and worn out than when i went to bed in the first place, but this morning i woke…rested and refreshed.

The majority of my anxiety happens at night, when for the life of me i just can’t get my brain to turn off. Thoughts and fears run amok playing havoc with my brain. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if my brain didn’t go over all the negative things that have or could happen.

As another wonderful bonus, the meds have a muscle relaxer in them, and my back doesn’t hurt in the morning. Yea..me!!!

So things are looking up…i’m starting to feel better. my emotions are getting under control, anxieties under some measure of check, and i’m getting some real rest. Hopefully, this is the time for everything to start turning around in my life for the positive. one can only hope.

Just What Kind of Property is a slave?

aislinnmarie — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:54:04 +0000

So often i hear of Masters that refer to their slave’s as property, which is fine and i agree with…but just what kind of property are They talking about. So may refer to their slaves as being like a piece of furniture, a prized piece of jewelry, or a fancy sports car. It’s those analogies that i personally have a problem with. A slave is not an inanimate object, but a sentient being with thoughts and feelings.

A piece of furniture can be placed in a corner and forgotten about; jewelry placed in a box or drawer to hardly ever be seen or used…and that sports car can be placed in a garage rarely driven. To those item no harm can come to them…there is no worry or concern for their mental well-being…they don’t have one.

A better analogy in my view…is that of a family pet. Some pets have a job to do and tasks that must be done. A pet is not always pleasing…sometimes they get into trouble. Sometimes they think on their own **think of that prized mouse catch or the slobber filled slippers**. If you place a pet away from interaction it will forget it’s place and the rules that it’s to live by. A pet will get lonely, a pet will act out, a pet will feel hurt and sad, as well as, happy and playful. A pet will have good days and bad, but no matter what..it’s still owned and it’s still just a pet. Most pets are prized for the place that they fill be that as a work animal or as a companion. A pet can suffer neglect the same as a slave…not from intent, but simply by owners who didn’t understand the responsibility that comes with having one. Pets need reassurances in much the same way a slave does…they need to be told that they are good and loved. And they need to be disciplined when they misbehave.

There are so many correlations between a slave and a pet, that i could go on and on, but i think that by now you have caught my meaning.

The Way It Is

aislinnmarie — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 20:08:27 +0000

Everybody wants an easy ride
On the merry-go-round that we call life
Take your drive on cruise control
Then you wait to find out it’s a winding road
I had my dreams in view
When the money ran out and the engine blew

Hung my tears out to dry
Then my dreams fell out of that clear blue sky
And I, I was walkin’ the clouds
Feelin’ so safe and sound
Then somethin’ else knocks me down

Well, Oh, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It’s hit or miss
And that’s the way it is

One fine day you wake up
Completely, hoplessly fallen in love
He’s just what you’re lookin’ for
The only problem is, that the man’s not sure
Another guy’ll give you everything

The only problem is you don’t feel a thing
Well I know from expirence
Nothin’s ever gonna make perfect sense
Oh, one day you get what you want
But it’s not what you think
Then you get what you need

Yeah they say your soul is growin’
But sometimes I feel like throwin’ somethin’

Well, Oh, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
Well, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It’s hit or miss
And that’s the way it is

Sometimes you Just Need A Spanking

aislinnmarie — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:41:34 +0000

i know this may sound like a very odd title for me…the pain whimp, but it’s true. Sometimes, you just need a good spanking. It hits that reset button in your mind. It allows you to release all the pent up hurt and pain…it give you an outlet for it all.

Sometimes it’s just a necessity. When hurt and pain build up and there is no release well i know personally…i want to hurt myself. Only i dont trust myself to hurt me and not hurt me too badly. But i trust my Master, i trust Him to hurt me…to allow me to release all the hurt and pain. To allow me to trust Him to do that, what stronger proof of devotion and trust.

Spanking therapy…sounds funny but it’s true. How many times as a child did you here that what you needed was a good spanking…and when it happened sure enough…the clouds cleared on your judgment. Now, i’m not talking about abusive spankings cause that’s a horse of a different color entirely. i’m talking about the attitude adjustments. And really does that need go away when we become adults…well, for some i’m sure it does. But right now, i need a good attitude adjustment.

i need to place myself in the hands of my Master. i need to be helpless to Him. i need to submit to His correction and i need Him to give me the spanking i well and truly not only deserve but need as well. i need Him to give me that release from the pain and hurt. i need Him to give me that mental reset. To empty myself of everything, so that i can once again come back to a clean and clear perspective.

Do spankings still scare me? Yes, but they dont scare me as much as what i want to do to myself at times, and i certainly trust my Master more than i trust myself to do that. Sometimes to let go of pain you have to experience pain. Sometimes to let go of mental pain you need to experience that physical pain. A good Master is going to know when those times are, and take care of the situation. And sometimes, as a slave, you need to tell your Master that, as much as you may not want to admit it…that you NEED a good spanking.

One Light Burning

aislinnmarie — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:45:31 +0000

All alone in the dark
No walls or windows
Trying hard to define
Heaven from hell
Standing out in the rain
With just one shadow
Nothing to see or believe
Beyond myself
See my life going by
Each moment I am alive
I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping
Somewhere in my life
There’s one light burning
I feel it like my heart beating inside
Somewhere in the night
There’s one light burning
All alone with my fears
No words are spoken
A story yet to be told
Locked in my mind
Hope is somewhere ahead
Shining brightly
But the past is always following close behind
See my life going by, each moment I am alive
I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping
Somewhere in my life
There’s one light burning
I feel it like my heart beating inside
Somewhere in the night
There’s one light burning
Somewhere in my life
There’s one light burning
I feel it like my heart beating inside
Somewhere in the night
There’s one light burning
Leading the way, leading the way

i need You

aislinnmarie — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:00:50 +0000

I Believe

aislinnmarie — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 19:35:26 +0000

Magic Dance

aislinnmarie — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 19:03:47 +0000

Today was a good day, hanging out with friends watching a movie. i dare you to watch labyrinth and not smile and laugh at some point. This movie always brings a smile to my face and is a movie i watched often as a young girl. lol, i even had a stuffed bear named after bluto.

it was a good day to dance around the living room like a fool, laugh and play with my boys and just relax. it rejuvenated my spirits a bit as i was able to just focus on my boys and goofing off with them. *For some reason they get a kick out of mom acting like a fool and it was great to hear them laugh.* Now it’s about time to get the vacuum out and clean up the popcorn mess from the popcorn fight.

Today was one of those days that i know i’m going to look back on with a fond smile on my face.

Space Cadet

aislinnmarie — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:23:15 +0000

Yeah, i got to play space cadet today. lol, i went to the Kennedy Space Center, not sub space..although that would have been grand too. i remember growing up as a child wanting to be an astronaut and telling everyone that would listen that i was already well ahead of the game, cause everyone said i was a space case. Okay, i realize that sounds corny now, but as a joke from a six year old it was pretty funny.

i remember the day that Challenger blew up, and i remember the day that Columbia disappeared. Both had a strong impact on me and i know that i will remember the day of the final shuttle mission.

It was wonderful to watch my children look at everything with awe and wonder. Watching the world expand before their eyes was one of those experiences that i will keep with in my heart for a long time. mmmm, my oldest now cant decide if he wants to be a fighter fighter or an astronaut. Both are noble professions and i know he would be great at either. Thank goodness he likes school and is good at math.

it was a good outing for us and i enjoyed myself immensely, although i’m very tired now.

Disaster

aislinnmarie — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:26:12 +0000

Everything this is so messed up right now i can even begin to deal with it all. Between my housing situation, kids, the ex, and the fact that my personal relationship exploded…and dealing with friendly explosions too, i have no idea what in the world i’m doing anymore.

i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, but i dont know what the right thing is anymore. Somehow it’s all very confusing.

Part of me wants to run very very far and the other wants nothing more than to run to my Master and be wrapped in His arms until everything is okay again.

But i dont know where to run or what to do. i have so many telling me too many different things.

i’m terrified i admit it. Everything is scaring the daylights out of me, which i know is not logical but at this point there isnt much that is being logical at the moment. i have to go to a doctor appointment this afternoon and i’m scared to leave the house…what in the world is up with that???

well, i dont have the luxury of being that scared. i have to take care of me and mine. Now, just how to do that i dont know.