i need You

 

Disaster

Everything this is so messed up right now i can even begin to deal with it all.  Between my housing situation, kids, the ex, and the fact that my personal relationship exploded…and dealing with friendly explosions too, i have no idea what in the world i’m doing anymore.

i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, but i dont know what the right thing is anymore.  Somehow it’s all very confusing.

Part of me wants to run very very far and the other wants nothing more than to run to my Master and be wrapped in His arms until everything is okay again.

But i dont know where to run or what to do.  i have so many telling me too many different things.

i’m terrified i admit it.  Everything is scaring the daylights out of me, which i know is not logical but at this point there isnt much that is being logical at the moment.  i have to go to a doctor appointment this afternoon and i’m scared to leave the house…what in the world is up with that???

well, i dont have the luxury of being that scared.  i have to take care of me and mine.  Now, just how to do that i dont know.

 

A New Day

Sleep is a good thing.  i actually slept last night.  No dreams, no nightmares, no anxiety…just slept.  i think i was exhausted, yesterday was an emotional day all the way around.  Not only did things in my own world explode, but i had someone else bring their explosion to me as well.  Needless to say, i was overwhelmed and taxed beyond what i could even begin to think to handle.

Knowing i was beyond being able to handle the explosion that was not my own, i called my friend and told her to get her explosion.  Even though it was difficult for my friend to do as i asked, as she has no car and had a meeting she was required to attend…she found a way.  Bless her, instead of being upset with me and my inability to handle the situation, and how difficult it was for her, she was understanding and supportive.  Actually asking me how she could help me.

i was shocked.  i was feeling guilty for yelling at my friend.  *And i was yelling at her…although telling her that majority of my yelling wasn’t stemming from what was going on with her.* i knew i put her in a difficult position with her having to try and find a ride over to my house and collect her little explosion.  But she wasn’t upset…she was understanding and she took care of it.  It’s something that i wont forget anytime soon either.

So what’s on tap for today?  Well, i started rearranging my living room last night. Wow, it’s amazing how much of a mess one can make while rearranging things.  i think i’ll like the new set up, but first i need to finish everything.  Most of the living room is still a disaster.  So that’s the plan for the day…finish the living room. After the living room, well, i should tackle the kitchen at some point, but that may be a task for tomorrow.

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

 

Thinking Too Much

Okay i didnt sleep last night at all; i just couldnt get my mind to turn off no matter what.  Sometimes my thoughts arent the best and i know everything i was thinking is not things that i should be, but alas i was.  Doubts circling around my head on whether this is a road i still want to travel down.  Dont get me wrong this can be a wonderful life, and i have a wonderful Master, but i’m not sure it’s right for me.  There are other things and people involved in this dynamic that make it impossible to breathe and i’m slowly suffocating.

i spent a long time in darkness…i’ve finally gotten my feet under me and i’ll be DAMNED if i’m going to get knocked off them again.  i’ve taken stock of what’s what…and the things that i think are truly important to me and mine.

 

Seeing the Light

WOW, it’s been a rough year, but finally i’m starting to feel more like myself again.  i think i’ve had one of the most emotionally unstable periods of my life this last year *my poor Master*.  Thinking back i think it started with the loss of one of my friends although i didn’t really realize it until recently that that was the trigger.  She was like a sister to me…one of those sisters that you actually want to spend time with…not the one that drives you totally batty and you try to see only at family functions, like my flesh and blood sister that i haven’t even spoken to in 3 years, and it’s a good thing.  She was the friend i hung out with; she spent more time at my house than her own.  i miss her presence in my life even now.  i miss the popcorn fights her, my kids and i would get into watching some kids movie for the millionth time *Wizard of Oz (haven’t watched it since she’s been gone)*.  She was always there a presence in my life someone to do things with and share all that life was throwing at me.  Someone i could help and be there for as well.  i could just be me around, no judgements, no worrying about every word said or action done.  Her death struck a heavy blow in my life and it’s a lost that i will feel forever. Sadly, i tried to fill that void with my Master…wanting Him to take the place of my friend; although i didnt realize that’s what i was doing at the time.  But well, Master and my friend are about as different as night and day.  Don’t really see my Master getting into a popcorn fight…no matter how fun they maybe.  The thought of Him watching the Wizard of Oz is absolutely hilarious.  He is reserved and quite the opposite of my free spirited friend.

Then add a HUGE move of 2,500 miles and a major case of homesickness to the mix and you have one very unstable little slave.  i’ve probably always suffered from a mild form of depression for most of my life, but i’ve been too busy with work and life to ever really deal with it…i’ve just kept going.  Well, this last year, i’ve been a stay at home mommy.  Suddenly with too much thinking time and not having ’something’ to do the world started to close in on me.  Add other stresses of life and i have been spinning for the last year…all the way to a complete emotional breakdown.  my poor Master bless Him for His patience and understanding with me has been there through all my ups and downs and has never given up on me.

A few weeks ago, i went to the doctor about my anxiety.  At some point you just realize that it’s not something that you can pull yourself out of without some help.  i’ve been on the medication now for about 3weeks and shesh, do i want to kick myself for not getting on something sooner.  i’m starting to feel like myself again, balanced, stable and things aren’t so dire.  i’m back to being able to ‘not sweat the small stuff’ and it’s all small stuff.  i can handle all the affairs that i have to handle without it being an overwhelming obstacle.  People and things that were so big and were causing such havoc to my emotions and life now, well, are back in the perspective that they should have always stayed in.

i feel…liberated, and i’m sure that Master is enjoying the more calm and stable slave.  Everything is in it’s rightful place, including His slave.

 

The First Changes

this was originally post by me elsewhere on March 31, 2008

I am sitting here reflecting on the changes that have happened over the course of the last month. This time a month ago I just wanted to play around and see what was out there. Parts of that search lead me to a few groups. I always knew I had a submissive streak within me, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of life and poor choices I was never able to submit to anyone; instead I had to be the leader and compass for those around me. And while my friendships have always flourished, my intimate life was a disaster. Not truly understanding my submissive side, I always chose dominate men to date. Unfortunately, these were not the dominate men who would help you grow and develop; but ones who would squash and stifle any growth. Being bright, friendly, and intensely inquisitive, my characteristics though the same ones that would attract these men; where the same characteristics that they would want to stifle and obliterate. Often, this became violent and dangerous; luckily for me, I have a strong heart and mind, and never stayed within those abusive constraints.

Then I found these groups, and saw the posts written that complemented what I thought of submission. I didn’t feel like an oddity anymore. Someone understood how I felt; and although I was still very intimidated by it all, I decided to reach out to one whom I agreed with. I know what I daydreamed about (sort of), but I really just wanted to be able to talk with someone who understood my point of view. A friend to ease the isolation I had felt for so long.

To my relief and excitement, he responded to my email…and my life changed dramatically in ways I could not have foreseen. The first communications were in exercise in mental overload. Nothing direct…just question after question….most of which…I had no idea about. But rather than make me feel like I was hopelessly naïve, I felt positive about things. Things progressed with the next phone call in which, I completely opened up to the fact that I was in fact and truly a submissive. The next few days again were exercises in mental work in which I would feel exhausted and wonderful at the same time. And I found myself, instead of keeping some of my life my own as I had intended, giving that control to him…not just a little but all. Completely, and I was exhilarated by it.

The feelings have only increased as things have progressed. And I turn to my master, often. We talk everyday, it’s a compulsion…I have to talk with him. To feel his presence, and the joy that it brings me to be in it. At times this feeling is overwhelming and a bit frightening, but there is always risk in everything and the more you need or want something the more risk it seems to involve. Some things must be done on faith. The steps must be taken, because to spend all of your time wondering would be unbearable.

I have taken those steps. I have faith. And my life will never be the same. My life is now his. I am his. It has brought a peace and happiness to my life that I cannot express in words. As his, I am complete, whole. I desire nothing more and to please him and have him pleased with me