Sleep is a Good Thing

Sleep is a good thing.  For those that know me, they know that i don’t sleep well. Usually it’s only a few hours a night and most of that is spent tossing and turning.  i’ve started taking meds for my anxiety and that’s helped somewhat over the last month or so, but i was still having trouble falling asleep so on my last doctor visit the doctor prescribed some sleeping meds.

Needless to say, i’ve had two nights in a row of blessed sleep. i can’t tell you how wonderful it feels to wake up rested…actually rested.  So often i wake more tired and worn out than when i went to bed in the first place, but this morning i woke…rested and refreshed.

The majority of my anxiety happens at night, when for the life of me i just can’t get my brain to turn off.  Thoughts and fears run amok playing havoc with my brain.  It probably wouldn’t be so bad if my brain didn’t go over all the negative things that have or could happen.

As another wonderful bonus, the meds have a muscle relaxer in them, and my back doesn’t hurt in the morning.  Yea..me!!!

So things are looking up…i’m starting to feel better. my emotions are getting under control, anxieties under some measure of check, and i’m getting some real rest.  Hopefully, this is the time for everything to start turning around in my life for the positive.  one can only hope.

 

The Way It Is

Everybody wants an easy ride
On the merry-go-round that we call life
Take your drive on cruise control
Then you wait to find out it’s a winding road
I had my dreams in view
When the money ran out and the engine blew

Hung my tears out to dry
Then my dreams fell out of that clear blue sky
And I, I was walkin’ the clouds
Feelin’ so safe and sound
Then somethin’ else knocks me down

Well, Oh, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It’s hit or miss
And that’s the way it is

One fine day you wake up
Completely, hoplessly fallen in love
He’s just what you’re lookin’ for
The only problem is, that the man’s not sure
Another guy’ll give you everything

The only problem is you don’t feel a thing
Well I know from expirence
Nothin’s ever gonna make perfect sense
Oh, one day you get what you want
But it’s not what you think
Then you get what you need

Well, Oh, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It’s hit or miss
And that’s the way it is

Yeah they say your soul is growin’
But sometimes I feel like throwin’ somethin’

Well, Oh, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
Well, That’s the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That’s the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It’s hit or miss
And that’s the way it is

 

i need You

 

I Believe

 

Disaster

Everything this is so messed up right now i can even begin to deal with it all.  Between my housing situation, kids, the ex, and the fact that my personal relationship exploded…and dealing with friendly explosions too, i have no idea what in the world i’m doing anymore.

i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, but i dont know what the right thing is anymore.  Somehow it’s all very confusing.

Part of me wants to run very very far and the other wants nothing more than to run to my Master and be wrapped in His arms until everything is okay again.

But i dont know where to run or what to do.  i have so many telling me too many different things.

i’m terrified i admit it.  Everything is scaring the daylights out of me, which i know is not logical but at this point there isnt much that is being logical at the moment.  i have to go to a doctor appointment this afternoon and i’m scared to leave the house…what in the world is up with that???

well, i dont have the luxury of being that scared.  i have to take care of me and mine.  Now, just how to do that i dont know.

 

My Little Imp

i came a across this photo and it SO reminds me of my little imp.  At 5, he can wrap just about anyone around his little fingers.  He is the most troublesome and yet sweetest boys you will ever meet and is entirely to bright for my own good.

But there is nothing like being awoken at 5am with the little imp crawling into my bed and giving me a huge hug all the while asking if i’m awake yet.  Then once it’s been established that yes indeed i am awake.  “mommy i love you….can i have a cereal bar?”  The little imp LIVES on cereal bars.  i think he could go through an entire box a day.

So as you can see, that picture is pretty much the essence of my little monster child, whom i love dearly.

 

A New Day

Sleep is a good thing.  i actually slept last night.  No dreams, no nightmares, no anxiety…just slept.  i think i was exhausted, yesterday was an emotional day all the way around.  Not only did things in my own world explode, but i had someone else bring their explosion to me as well.  Needless to say, i was overwhelmed and taxed beyond what i could even begin to think to handle.

Knowing i was beyond being able to handle the explosion that was not my own, i called my friend and told her to get her explosion.  Even though it was difficult for my friend to do as i asked, as she has no car and had a meeting she was required to attend…she found a way.  Bless her, instead of being upset with me and my inability to handle the situation, and how difficult it was for her, she was understanding and supportive.  Actually asking me how she could help me.

i was shocked.  i was feeling guilty for yelling at my friend.  *And i was yelling at her…although telling her that majority of my yelling wasn’t stemming from what was going on with her.* i knew i put her in a difficult position with her having to try and find a ride over to my house and collect her little explosion.  But she wasn’t upset…she was understanding and she took care of it.  It’s something that i wont forget anytime soon either.

So what’s on tap for today?  Well, i started rearranging my living room last night. Wow, it’s amazing how much of a mess one can make while rearranging things.  i think i’ll like the new set up, but first i need to finish everything.  Most of the living room is still a disaster.  So that’s the plan for the day…finish the living room. After the living room, well, i should tackle the kitchen at some point, but that may be a task for tomorrow.

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

 

Thinking Too Much

Okay i didnt sleep last night at all; i just couldnt get my mind to turn off no matter what.  Sometimes my thoughts arent the best and i know everything i was thinking is not things that i should be, but alas i was.  Doubts circling around my head on whether this is a road i still want to travel down.  Dont get me wrong this can be a wonderful life, and i have a wonderful Master, but i’m not sure it’s right for me.  There are other things and people involved in this dynamic that make it impossible to breathe and i’m slowly suffocating.

i spent a long time in darkness…i’ve finally gotten my feet under me and i’ll be DAMNED if i’m going to get knocked off them again.  i’ve taken stock of what’s what…and the things that i think are truly important to me and mine.

 

Catch Me

Who will be there to catch my fall? In a perfect world i would love to say that my Master will always catch me, but in the real world, that doesn’t always happen.  Ultimately, it’s up to the individual to catch themselves.  Master’s are wonderful and of course they try to be there for us as much as possible; however, they are human…they make mistakes…they let us down.  As my Master’s slave it’s my job to make His life easier and one of the ways that i do that is by being stable myself.

i think that it’s dangerous and unstable to rely on a Master as your anchor in this world.  They should be but one of the stone used to build the foundation of your life.  A keystone even, but there should be other things in place to help you maintain emotional and physical stability. i think the best Master’s teach their slave’s to find the stability within themselves.  Help their slave’s find that strength that’s within us, foster it, and watch it blossom into the strength to handle the things that life puts before us.

 

Spankings, paddlings and the Like

Okay so I have to admit that I am not one that enjoys paddling. I know that it goes with the territory of being a slave and that it’s part on my life now, but it still terrifies me. I have spent the last few weeks trying to think about it in a different way, in a more sexual way, and thought that I had made enough progress in my head to handle it.

I was wrong. What’s worse is that so far Master has only been playing and not doing anything serious, just a swat or two and that’s all. Now, I will say that about the only thing enjoyable about the whole thing is the mischievous glint in Master’s eye. I just wish I could get that look without a smack on the ass about to happen. I know that it’s going to happen I am just having a difficult time with finding a way that I can accept it. Well, I shouldn’t say accept it because I do accept it; I just don’t like it. It brings up WAY too many memories from my past, and even though I have tried to separate the past from the present sometimes that’s just not possible. I can do well for a bit; but when it’s time to sleep memories surface and torment me.

Now, nightmares and anxiety is nothing new for me; as a matter of fact, I have a “good” night’s sleep about twice a week. And that’s a good week; I think good needs to be better defined…lol. Anyway, I haven’t slept very well in a couple of days, and I don’t know exactly how to proceed with getting my head in the best place. Although a part of me would just like to run and hide from the spanking, pain thing, there is the larger part that wants desperately to please my Master, and I know the the pain spanking thing in a significant part of that. But I wonder if I can ever get my head to not go to the past when it happens and handling it from there. And once that train of thought enters my head then on top of old memories, I get anxiety attacks over the present.

Now, logically, I know that **okay probably shouldn’t say know, but fairly confident** that I wouldn’t be released because I just couldn’t handle it, but the illogical part of me runs that through my head over and over. Don’t you just hate it when your mind goes over and over things like that? It’s just not right.

So anyway, for today, I’m trying to breathe, and remember that it’s a process and we are only at the beginning. And boy, do I have a long way to go.