i need You

 

I Believe

 

Disaster

Everything this is so messed up right now i can even begin to deal with it all.  Between my housing situation, kids, the ex, and the fact that my personal relationship exploded…and dealing with friendly explosions too, i have no idea what in the world i’m doing anymore.

i am trying to do the right thing by everyone, but i dont know what the right thing is anymore.  Somehow it’s all very confusing.

Part of me wants to run very very far and the other wants nothing more than to run to my Master and be wrapped in His arms until everything is okay again.

But i dont know where to run or what to do.  i have so many telling me too many different things.

i’m terrified i admit it.  Everything is scaring the daylights out of me, which i know is not logical but at this point there isnt much that is being logical at the moment.  i have to go to a doctor appointment this afternoon and i’m scared to leave the house…what in the world is up with that???

well, i dont have the luxury of being that scared.  i have to take care of me and mine.  Now, just how to do that i dont know.

 

A New Day

Sleep is a good thing.  i actually slept last night.  No dreams, no nightmares, no anxiety…just slept.  i think i was exhausted, yesterday was an emotional day all the way around.  Not only did things in my own world explode, but i had someone else bring their explosion to me as well.  Needless to say, i was overwhelmed and taxed beyond what i could even begin to think to handle.

Knowing i was beyond being able to handle the explosion that was not my own, i called my friend and told her to get her explosion.  Even though it was difficult for my friend to do as i asked, as she has no car and had a meeting she was required to attend…she found a way.  Bless her, instead of being upset with me and my inability to handle the situation, and how difficult it was for her, she was understanding and supportive.  Actually asking me how she could help me.

i was shocked.  i was feeling guilty for yelling at my friend.  *And i was yelling at her…although telling her that majority of my yelling wasn’t stemming from what was going on with her.* i knew i put her in a difficult position with her having to try and find a ride over to my house and collect her little explosion.  But she wasn’t upset…she was understanding and she took care of it.  It’s something that i wont forget anytime soon either.

So what’s on tap for today?  Well, i started rearranging my living room last night. Wow, it’s amazing how much of a mess one can make while rearranging things.  i think i’ll like the new set up, but first i need to finish everything.  Most of the living room is still a disaster.  So that’s the plan for the day…finish the living room. After the living room, well, i should tackle the kitchen at some point, but that may be a task for tomorrow.

One step at a time, one minute at a time.

 

Changes Made

Most journeys start with a single step, mine started with a leap. A leap of faith,, a risk, a chance but it was something that i instantly knew within the core of my being was the right thing for me.  Since that moment i have been learning to let go, not only of control of my life but of my fears and anxieties as well.  Slowly i have let go of always worrying if i was doing the right thing and that the simplest of mistakes may lead to my release.  i have learned to trust that my Master will be there always.

Solid, Strong, Secure, He is the foundation which i need.  He provides the stability i need to explore not only my dreams but things which i had never even thought about.  He has given me purpose and direction.  He has given me a peace within my soul that seed of light, the hope in the darkness that i can go to in times of distress.  The strength to stand up when i must and let go when it truly doesn’t matter (although, this is a lesson in progress).  He has given me the strength to be strong enough not to run and hide from problems but to learn how to keep that inner peace when it is challenged.  HE has given me the confidence that i no longer have to be looking for the next threat or problem, because when you are always looking for adversity, you are sure to find it.  But by looking at the good things that abound, most of the negative things simple fade away as they were never important enough to be noticed.  By focusing on the good things i have found that little blessings fill my life, and the very huge blessing that is my Master for whom i will always be eternally grateful.  Thank You my wonderful Master, i am always in awe that i am owned by You.