i need You

 

Learning Lessons

Everyday is always a chance to learn new lessons and today is no different.  Because of pettiness and fear there are lessons to be learned today.  i understand the need for me to learn the lesson, i must learn to detach from the words and actions of others.  i have to stop taking things to heart so much.  this has been a problem for me for a very long time and it’s time to get past it.  Not every action has an answer and not every statement must be replied to, this is a lesson too.  it’s easy to say just let it go, but it’s a hard thing to do when emotions are involved.  However, i must remember that my focus is upon my Master and no one else.    i too must not let anger and fear rule my actions.  these things can easily take over one’s life and ruin all the good things about it. 

So i hope to take this lesson and learn from it quickly, as i think that it is a lesson that both sister’s are being taught at the moment.  And it’s time to reflect on my own actions and take responsiblity for how i react to things.

 

An Eye Opening Experience

Earlier today I had an eye opening experience.  I never understood why someone disliked me so much and now I can see it.  The perception that she has is entirely wrong and I have no way to convince her otherwise.  I wish that I did; however, my words will never be enough.  My only ally is time and care.  Time, because in time all things work themselves out in one way or another and since I am not going anywhere.  I shall be steady and sure.  Care, because I must always be mindful of my actions and interactions with others.  I must take care because there are people who wish to see me fail.  Fortunately, Master is aware of everything, although maybe not with the venom that is truly surrounding it.  But He is there to remind me that it is only His opinion that matters and it is only Him that I am to please.  It matters not what is said about me by the other slaves.  What they think is not of my concern, however, I can’t help but feel the pang of regret that someone who I once considered a valued friend has been eaten away by jealousy and resentment that was not mine to cause nor actually there in the first place.  It is the perception of the mind where SHE places one above the other when in reality we are all the same our only differences are in the areas in which we serve Master.

It is a relief to actually know why I am disliked, even if there is no way for me to fix  the problem.  It is beyond my control to rearrange the heavens and earth to make it possible for her to move near Master, if I could I would.  And that would at least eliminate one of her arguments.  But alas, I cannot and I must be mindful and watchful, which I hate but it is necessary and a wise thing to do.

 

The First Changes

this was originally post by me elsewhere on March 31, 2008

I am sitting here reflecting on the changes that have happened over the course of the last month. This time a month ago I just wanted to play around and see what was out there. Parts of that search lead me to a few groups. I always knew I had a submissive streak within me, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of life and poor choices I was never able to submit to anyone; instead I had to be the leader and compass for those around me. And while my friendships have always flourished, my intimate life was a disaster. Not truly understanding my submissive side, I always chose dominate men to date. Unfortunately, these were not the dominate men who would help you grow and develop; but ones who would squash and stifle any growth. Being bright, friendly, and intensely inquisitive, my characteristics though the same ones that would attract these men; where the same characteristics that they would want to stifle and obliterate. Often, this became violent and dangerous; luckily for me, I have a strong heart and mind, and never stayed within those abusive constraints.

Then I found these groups, and saw the posts written that complemented what I thought of submission. I didn’t feel like an oddity anymore. Someone understood how I felt; and although I was still very intimidated by it all, I decided to reach out to one whom I agreed with. I know what I daydreamed about (sort of), but I really just wanted to be able to talk with someone who understood my point of view. A friend to ease the isolation I had felt for so long.

To my relief and excitement, he responded to my email…and my life changed dramatically in ways I could not have foreseen. The first communications were in exercise in mental overload. Nothing direct…just question after question….most of which…I had no idea about. But rather than make me feel like I was hopelessly naïve, I felt positive about things. Things progressed with the next phone call in which, I completely opened up to the fact that I was in fact and truly a submissive. The next few days again were exercises in mental work in which I would feel exhausted and wonderful at the same time. And I found myself, instead of keeping some of my life my own as I had intended, giving that control to him…not just a little but all. Completely, and I was exhilarated by it.

The feelings have only increased as things have progressed. And I turn to my master, often. We talk everyday, it’s a compulsion…I have to talk with him. To feel his presence, and the joy that it brings me to be in it. At times this feeling is overwhelming and a bit frightening, but there is always risk in everything and the more you need or want something the more risk it seems to involve. Some things must be done on faith. The steps must be taken, because to spend all of your time wondering would be unbearable.

I have taken those steps. I have faith. And my life will never be the same. My life is now his. I am his. It has brought a peace and happiness to my life that I cannot express in words. As his, I am complete, whole. I desire nothing more and to please him and have him pleased with me

 

Changes Made

Most journeys start with a single step, mine started with a leap. A leap of faith,, a risk, a chance but it was something that i instantly knew within the core of my being was the right thing for me.  Since that moment i have been learning to let go, not only of control of my life but of my fears and anxieties as well.  Slowly i have let go of always worrying if i was doing the right thing and that the simplest of mistakes may lead to my release.  i have learned to trust that my Master will be there always.

Solid, Strong, Secure, He is the foundation which i need.  He provides the stability i need to explore not only my dreams but things which i had never even thought about.  He has given me purpose and direction.  He has given me a peace within my soul that seed of light, the hope in the darkness that i can go to in times of distress.  The strength to stand up when i must and let go when it truly doesn’t matter (although, this is a lesson in progress).  He has given me the strength to be strong enough not to run and hide from problems but to learn how to keep that inner peace when it is challenged.  HE has given me the confidence that i no longer have to be looking for the next threat or problem, because when you are always looking for adversity, you are sure to find it.  But by looking at the good things that abound, most of the negative things simple fade away as they were never important enough to be noticed.  By focusing on the good things i have found that little blessings fill my life, and the very huge blessing that is my Master for whom i will always be eternally grateful.  Thank You my wonderful Master, i am always in awe that i am owned by You.